You win some, You lose some

Today was a small defeat for me in a war I have been fighting since I was a little girl. There have been many battles in this war, some greatly victorious, others not so much. You see, the war I fight isn't against another person or group, it is against me - or rather, my predisposition to be a "big girl", "thick" and even just plain fat. Since I can remember, my family made excuses for me - "oh, she has her mother's genes" or "she's just big boned". Well I do have my mother's genes (my father's, too), but I am really not all that big boned. And so is the story for many overweight people in the world. We battle preconceived notions that we have no choice about our weight and that we can't change our genetic make -up or we have slow metabolisms. Some of us accept it. I choose to fight. Welcome to my war.

I fight every single day of my life. Some days are easier than others - today was harder. Yes, I know that many people that know me today don't understand. But one day, about eight years ago I weighed over 215 pounds. I say over, because I didn't start counting until I got to that point. I used the excuse that it was just muscle and that I really was bigged boned. Then one day the hammer dropped- I had to buy a size 18 suit. That was it. The fight was back on.

But the war did't begin eight years ago, it began consciously about 20 years ago. When all my other friends were worring about boyfriends & shopping for pretty clothes, I was dieting. I did slim fast and Jenny Craig and they all worked - for a little while. At one point in my high school life I was a skinny six and weighed a buck thrity five. That was a huge victory, but one that was short lived. You see, when I was younger, I hadn't learned the price of being overweight yet.

It wasn't until I graduated from college and moved to Atlanta that I truly understood. My mom was also overweight. But not her whole life, just the part I remember and the lack of exercise, smoking and poor eating habits led to a cancer that eventually took her life. That was the most devestating defeat in my life.

And so I fight. I fight for my LIFE every day. I fight for my mom's life that she didn't get to live. But my fight against being overweight consists of discipline and keeping myself in constant check. I can't afford to gain back any of the weight I lost eight years ago. Because I know how hard I fought to get it off. I know how hard EVERY client fights even to lose 5 pounds. So when last fall I gained 12 pounds, I really didn't feel so hot about myself. I made it through the holidays and vowed like many to lose that weight in January and February. Yes, even I make resolutions. But everyone that knows anything at all about me knows that when I set out to do something - I don't quit until I succeed.

So the point of this blog is that just because I am a fitness instructor doesn't mean that I don't have to work just as hard, if not harder than my clients to maintain and sometimes lose weight. This week I gained two pounds. It took me all day to come to grips with it. And I know you are thinking, "you work out every day - it's just muscle". I tried to tell myself that ALL DAY. But it wasn't until I was able to rest, gather my thoughts and grab a measuring tape that I knew my small defeat was only that - tiny. I did gain two pounds, but my body got smaller! And as much as I know it is more of how my clothes fit than how many pounds the scale says - it still matters to me. Just like it will always matter to thousands of woman (and a few men). And so I continue to fight my war. I fight by educating as many people as I can about being healthy. I fight with my workouts at the studio and at boot camp. I fight every time I take a kickboxing class. I fight by supporting others that fight similar wars.

I think I am winning...