Throwing the first stone - the price of being a leader

Something many people don't know or understand about me is that growing up in a lower middle class neighborhood in Western Pennsylvania, being younger than most of the kids on the street, and being the minority in a black/white world gives you a certain outlook on the world and forces you to see people in a different light. Couple that with having a mother that never judged anyone and paternal family that believed the world was theirs for the taking and you get me, Mari Garner, the girl that nobody gets. I know my flaws and my gifts and I try my best to focus on the positive. I know that I possess a passion and a drive that is unique and that many times runs hot enough to burn - and does. It is my battle in life to fight the negative side of passion and to channel it into something good. That battle I fight every day and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. And as many people feel the victory, some also feel the brunt of defeat. And in analyzing each defeat, I realized that because people get so caught up in seeing only whats on the surface, they miss out on ever meeting the real person behind the drive.

So here goes. The neighborhood that I grew up in shaped the type of people I relate to and especially the very type of people I trust and consider friends. I learned that loyalty and being there when times are tough far outweigh being invited to the Saturday night bash. And that everybody that has an "attitude" or a "chip on their shoulder" has one for a reason and to try to look past that to see the real person. I have met some many wonderful bullies, pushers and wall flies because I looked past the exterior and because so did they. So as I have ventured out into the world, I have always tried to look past peoples apparent flaws, to try to understand why they act the way they do and to try never to judge them for it. But is just amazing to me that so many people cannot do the same for me.

Yes, I am a tough cookie. My mom died when I was 23 and I don't have a female role model to show me how to curtsie and laugh sheepishly at the boys or even how to shop or cook. Even when my mom was alive she pushed me to be independent and self sufficient so I never had to rely on anyone. And furthermore, both my parents taught me that to be a leader I had to march to the beat of my own drum.

So being 32, the owner of a very successful business, a wife and a leader of many puts me into a unique place. That place is not one that I really love to be in but I am in nonetheless. As people watch my every move, from the look on my face when they make a silly comment to the amount of sweat I wring out of my shirt after a workout, they are constantly measuring me against some imaginary standard. Every word out of my mouth, in every conversation I have is analyzed and judged. Even in social situations, a comment made in jest or a phase said in exhaustion is held against me. And so I have been labeled aggressive, abrupt, harsh, hardcore, and direct on a good day. And because I am a female, all of those descriptions are negative.

But what I find offensive is not that someone calls it like they see it, no, that I admire. Its that they don't have the gumption to actually say what they need to say, or the intelligence to look past that rough exterior and see the real person behind that unyielding personality. If they did, they might see that with all the fervor that I use to keep up that exterior, that I am a dedicated friend with a might to help my friends that goes above and beyond. They would see that the same passion that I run my business with is carried over to the way I view each persons ability for good in their own lives. They just might see that I truly believe in the human spirit so much so that every time they judge me, I just turn the other cheek and try to understand what it is that makes them feel that they have to analyze me. And that although I will ALWAYS call it the way I see it, that I know my opinion shouldn't define another person and is only an opinion and that I even celebrate when others present differing opinions. Most importantly they would know that being "right" isn't a goal for me, but rather I constantly challenge people to figure out what is "right" for them.

The point of this posting is that everyone should take a hard look in the mirror each and every time they point out a negative trait in another person. They should understand what about themselves causes them to see that negative trait. Then they should consider that they also have flaws and maybe they should try to find the good in each person. That search for positive is a conscious choice that we can make that can really make a difference for the better in each of our lives.